Many who know us as a couple would say that we are perfect for each other. I can no deny, I love my husband a lot. We met only in 2002, and yes, today, 19 years later, I love him even more than when we met. Many women tell me that I got lucky, and frankly, I hate when I hear that.
Today I will share 5 secrets on how you also can make your dream of finding a husband a reality.
1. Know what you want: the ask
Where we need to start is- you need to know what you want. No, I do not mean his height, eye color, and income. I mean, what do you want from your husband?
- What type of person are you looking for? What matters to you the most?
- Grab a piece of paper, and make a list of under 10 personal traits that are what I call “must haves”
- For example, for me it was: physically active, educated, kind, great with pets, wants kids, respectful to elderly, want to be married, good family, no prior criminal history, no kids
- The list you created is your ask: this is what you are looking for. I want you to take time to detail this one as much as possible, preferably adding the why behind each trait.
- Knowing what you are looking for is the first secret to success.
2. Know yourself: the offer
Next, you need to develop your own list of traits that you believe are your strengths.
- Grab a piece of paper and describe the things/traits you are willing to offer in relationships to your partner. How will it add value to him/her?
- What makes you unique? What gives you the most praise and accolades?
- What do you love about yourself?
- Yes, appearances and all external characteristics are a fair game to be listed here as well as your character qualities.
3. Slow down
Once you register on the website (s) you might be tempted to move quickly, after all you are a busy lady, and this is just a part of your life. I hear you, and you want results right now; better yet, you want to skip the whole online dating thing and just be married right now to the love of your life. Hang on here. It does not work like that.
- Make sure you have a full-time commitment: school, work, full-time hobby, and such to occupy your time. No, looking for a husband online for hours on end does not count! Why do you need to stay busy? Because that will divert your attention from “husband hunting” to other things
- While engaging with guys online give them space and time, nobody likes to be harassed. No, two phone calls does not mean you are “in relationships” now. Slow down. Breath. Yes, your clock is ticking and you want to be married and start family planning, but for the love of God realize what that looks like from outside!
- When you meet a guy you like, have a list of questions around your “must haves” but do not start with them. Learn to be nice and curious, ask something easy, see how he does. Go deeper. Listen and watch for his reactions.
- Move slowly from chatting, to calls, from calls to coffee, but only if you are feeling connection and you both are interested in learning more about each other.
- Do not speed things up, no do not engage in intimacy on the first, second, third, or fifth date. Wait. Pause. Watch. Listen and listen again. How does he speak about his mom? How about his exes?
- What is he like when he is busy, tired, scared? What do you see?
- Your job to learn and collect information, bing curious and non-judgmental. Keep distance, do not start TMI topics.
- Do not share about your darkest secrets, pain points, debt, exes, and such.
- Too much info. Keep it for now, not yet. Wait. Slow down.
4. Say “NO” earlier
This point, I hear, is one of the hardest things to do for many of us, women. We want to be “nice”, so we do not speak our minds. We lie to the guy, hoping that “he might be the right one”. Lets take a the signs that clearly indicate this is NOT the right guy.
- Consistently tardy, no holding to his promises, having a hard time keeping his commitments
- Speaks more than you do, and yes, he is complaining about his issues, and you play a role of a free counselor
- Does not listen to your dreams, ideas, desires or dismisses them in any shape or form
- Not curious about your life, goals, values, background, or anything else you acre about
- Has a mysterious mental illness, does not act normal, or yo-yos in his moods
- Addicted to anything: drugs, alcohol, pain killers, cigarettes, chews, weed, coke or anything other substances
- Has detectible issues with co-parenting with his ex-wife, has a hard time managing his load
- Speaks badly about any significant woman in his life: mom, grandmom, sister, ex-girlfriends etc
- Rude, disrespectful, makes sexual remarks, tries to touch you, body interactions without permission is not ok
- So, if you see anything from the above, STOP. That is it. No maybe, no buts, no later. STOP seeing him, move on.
5. Have fun and stay safe
Some ladies treat the husband-hunting like it is all or nothing proposition. Girls, lets keep it together. Yes, finding a partner is of utmost importance BUT, lets keep things real here. Nobody ows us nothing and the sure recipe to failing online is to treat every single person, like he is your future spouse.
My mom gave me a golden piece of advice about 30 years ago: “Guys are humans too”. So treat the guy with respect and have fun! Share with him what you like to do, give clear indications, allow him to pick places to eat and do things. Go out. Have fun, enjoy your time. Keep things safe. How?
- Do not ever link him to ANY of your social media accounts or LinkedIn
- Do not bring him home
- Do use contraception, if it gets that far
- Do not introduce a guy to meet your parents or friends
- Spend less time than you want to spend, talk less, listen more
- Do not provide too many personal details, like social security number, home address, workplace, etc.
- Allow him to EARN your trust, with his actions, over time
- Do not overshare information or details of any kind. Speak on general topics and keep it light.
- Do not share your medical history, financial details, or anything confidential until you know him for a long time
You may think the secrets above are over the top, too much to worry about, or simply can not be followed. I want to assure you that each of those secrets prevents you from spending your life with unworthy individuals without serious intentions. The secrets above are aimed at meeting and fostering long-term, committed relationships.
I met my spouse online, and before I did meet hundreds of others who did not pass my “normal guy” test or were not interested in marriage. It took me 3.5 years, I wrote, yes, I typed over 900 letters, and I maintained 2 jobs to pay for the agency, who did the work of sifting through all the emails. Yes, I kissed many frogs. And, when my sweetheart wrote me, I knew, from maybe 2nd week on, he was a keeper. Why? I had 3.5 years when I said, or someone said to me “no”. My experience formed a “gut feeling” that saved me many times over and will save you too! Good luck on your search and please leave me a quick like, if this was helpful 😊